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A WEEK AT THE GYM: ONE MAN'S STORY
If you read this without laughing out loud, there is something wrong
with you. This is dedicated to everyone who ever attempted to get into a
Regular Workout routine. For my sixty fifth birthday this year, my wife (the
dear) purchased a week of personal training at the local health club for me.
Although I am still in great shape since playing on my college football
team 45 years ago, I decided it would be a good idea to go ahead and give it
a try.
I called the club and made my reservations with a personal trainer named
Belinda, who identified herself as a 26-year-old aerobics instructor and
model for athletic clothing and swim wear. My wife seemed pleased with
my enthusiasm to get started! The club encouraged me to keep a diary to
chart my progress . .
Dear Diary:
MONDAY
Started my day at 6:00 a.m. Tough to get out of bed, but found it was
well worth it when I arrived at the health club to find Belinda waiting for
me. She is something of a Greek goddess - with blond hair, dancing eyes and
dazzling white smile. Woo Hoo!! Belinda gave me a tour and showed me
the machines. She took my pulse after five minutes on the treadmill. She
was alarmed that my pulse was so fast, but I attribute it to standing next
to her in her Lycra aerobic outfit. I enjoyed watching the skillful way in
which she conducted her aerobics class after my workout today. Very
inspiring! Belinda was encouraging as I did my sit-ups, all though my
gut was already aching from holding it in the whole time she was around.
This is going to be a FANTASTIC week!!
TUESDAY
I drank a whole pot of coffee, but I finally made it out the door.
Belinda made me lie on my back and push a heavy iron bar into the air
when she put weights on it! My legs were a little wobbly on the treadmill,
but I made the full mile. Belinda's rewarding smile made it all worthwhile.
I feel GREAT!! It's a whole new life for me.
WEDNESDAY
The only way I can brush my teeth is by laying the toothbrush on the
counter and moving my mouth back and forth over it. I believe I have a hernia
in both pectorals. Driving was OK as long as didn't try to steer or stop.
I parked on top of a GEO in the club parking lot. Belinda was impatient
with me, insisting that my screams bothered other club members. Her voice is
a little too perky for early in the morning and when she scolds, she gets
this nasally whine that is VERY annoying. My chest hurt when I got on the
treadmill, so Belinda put me on the Stair monster. Why the hell would
anyone invent a machine to simulate an activity rendered obsolete by
elevators? Belinda told me it would help me get in shape and enjoy
life. She said some other shit too.
THURSDAY
Belinda was waiting for me with her vampire-like teeth exposed as her
thin, cruel lips were pulled back in a full snarl. I couldn't help being a
half an hour late, it took me that long to tie my shoes.
Belinda took me to work out with dumbbells. When she was not looking, I
ran and hid in the men's room. She sent Lars to find me. Then, as
punishment, she put me on the rowing machine -- which I sank.
FRIDAY
I hate that bitch Belinda more than any human being has ever hated any
other human being in the history of the world. Stupid, skinny, anemic little
cheerleader. If there was a part of my body I could move without
unbearable pain, I would beat her with it. Belinda wanted me to work on my
triceps. I don't have any triceps! And if you don't want dents in the floor, don't hand me the M----- f----- barbells or anything that weighs more than a
sandwich. The treadmill flung me off and I landed on a Health and
Nutrition teacher. Why couldn't it have been someone softer, like the Drama coach or the Choir director?
SATURDAY
Belinda left a message on my answering machine in her grating, shrilly
voice wondering why I did not show up today. Just hearing her made me want to smash the machine with my planner. However, I lacked the strength to
even use the TV remote and ended up catching eleven straight hours of the
Weather Channel.
SUNDAY
I'm having the Church van pick me up for services today so I can go and
thank GOD that this week is over. I will also pray that next year my
wife (the bitch) will choose a gift for me that is fun -- like a root canal
or a vasectomy.
If you read this without laughing out loud, there is something wrong
with you. This is dedicated to everyone who ever attempted to get into a
Regular Workout routine. For my sixty fifth birthday this year, my wife (the
dear) purchased a week of personal training at the local health club for me.
Although I am still in great shape since playing on my college football
team 45 years ago, I decided it would be a good idea to go ahead and give it
a try.
I called the club and made my reservations with a personal trainer named
Belinda, who identified herself as a 26-year-old aerobics instructor and
model for athletic clothing and swim wear. My wife seemed pleased with
my enthusiasm to get started! The club encouraged me to keep a diary to
chart my progress . .
Dear Diary:
MONDAY
Started my day at 6:00 a.m. Tough to get out of bed, but found it was
well worth it when I arrived at the health club to find Belinda waiting for
me. She is something of a Greek goddess - with blond hair, dancing eyes and
dazzling white smile. Woo Hoo!! Belinda gave me a tour and showed me
the machines. She took my pulse after five minutes on the treadmill. She
was alarmed that my pulse was so fast, but I attribute it to standing next
to her in her Lycra aerobic outfit. I enjoyed watching the skillful way in
which she conducted her aerobics class after my workout today. Very
inspiring! Belinda was encouraging as I did my sit-ups, all though my
gut was already aching from holding it in the whole time she was around.
This is going to be a FANTASTIC week!!
TUESDAY
I drank a whole pot of coffee, but I finally made it out the door.
Belinda made me lie on my back and push a heavy iron bar into the air
when she put weights on it! My legs were a little wobbly on the treadmill,
but I made the full mile. Belinda's rewarding smile made it all worthwhile.
I feel GREAT!! It's a whole new life for me.
WEDNESDAY
The only way I can brush my teeth is by laying the toothbrush on the
counter and moving my mouth back and forth over it. I believe I have a hernia
in both pectorals. Driving was OK as long as didn't try to steer or stop.
I parked on top of a GEO in the club parking lot. Belinda was impatient
with me, insisting that my screams bothered other club members. Her voice is
a little too perky for early in the morning and when she scolds, she gets
this nasally whine that is VERY annoying. My chest hurt when I got on the
treadmill, so Belinda put me on the Stair monster. Why the hell would
anyone invent a machine to simulate an activity rendered obsolete by
elevators? Belinda told me it would help me get in shape and enjoy
life. She said some other shit too.
THURSDAY
Belinda was waiting for me with her vampire-like teeth exposed as her
thin, cruel lips were pulled back in a full snarl. I couldn't help being a
half an hour late, it took me that long to tie my shoes.
Belinda took me to work out with dumbbells. When she was not looking, I
ran and hid in the men's room. She sent Lars to find me. Then, as
punishment, she put me on the rowing machine -- which I sank.
FRIDAY
I hate that bitch Belinda more than any human being has ever hated any
other human being in the history of the world. Stupid, skinny, anemic little
cheerleader. If there was a part of my body I could move without
unbearable pain, I would beat her with it. Belinda wanted me to work on my
triceps. I don't have any triceps! And if you don't want dents in the floor, don't hand me the M----- f----- barbells or anything that weighs more than a
sandwich. The treadmill flung me off and I landed on a Health and
Nutrition teacher. Why couldn't it have been someone softer, like the Drama coach or the Choir director?
SATURDAY
Belinda left a message on my answering machine in her grating, shrilly
voice wondering why I did not show up today. Just hearing her made me want to smash the machine with my planner. However, I lacked the strength to
even use the TV remote and ended up catching eleven straight hours of the
Weather Channel.
SUNDAY
I'm having the Church van pick me up for services today so I can go and
thank GOD that this week is over. I will also pray that next year my
wife (the bitch) will choose a gift for me that is fun -- like a root canal
or a vasectomy.
