j.w
I Love my Goldies
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The Daily Joker.
- Thread starter DutchMuch
- Start date
koiguy1969
GIGGETY-GIGGETY!!
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- Dallas TEXAS
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HARO
Pondcrastinator
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My friend Tom was a single guy living at home with his father and working in the family business
He knew that he would inherit a fortune once his sickly father died.
Tom wanted two things:
• To learn how to invest his inheritance.
• To find a wife to share his fortune.
One evening at an investment meeting, he spotted the most beautiful woman he had ever seen. Her natural beauty took his breath away.
"I may look like just an ordinary man," he said to her, "but in just a
few years, my father will die, and I'll inherit 20 million dollars."
Impressed, the woman obtained his business card.
Two weeks later, she became his stepmother.
Women are so much better at estate planning than men.
He knew that he would inherit a fortune once his sickly father died.
Tom wanted two things:
• To learn how to invest his inheritance.
• To find a wife to share his fortune.
One evening at an investment meeting, he spotted the most beautiful woman he had ever seen. Her natural beauty took his breath away.
"I may look like just an ordinary man," he said to her, "but in just a
few years, my father will die, and I'll inherit 20 million dollars."
Impressed, the woman obtained his business card.
Two weeks later, she became his stepmother.
Women are so much better at estate planning than men.
HARO
Pondcrastinator
- Joined
- Jun 30, 2011
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- Ontario, Canada
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John
HARO
Pondcrastinator
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- Jun 30, 2011
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- 5,439
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- Ontario, Canada
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Astute (but true) Observations
There are two sides to every divorce: Yours and dipsticks
The closest I ever got to a 4.0 in college was my blood alcohol content.
I live in my own little world, but it's OK. Everyone knows me here.
I saw a very large woman wearing a sweatshirt with "Guess" on it. I said, "Left Tackle?”
I don't do drugs. I find I get the same effect just by standing up really fast.
I don't like political jokes. I've seen too many get elected.
The most precious thing we have is life, yet it has absolutely no trade-in value.
If life deals you lemons, make lemonade. If life deals you tomatoes, make Bloody Mary’s.
Shopping tip: You can get shoes for a buck at bowling alleys.
Every day I beat my previous record of consecutive days I've stayed alive.
No one ever says, "It's only a game!" when their team's winning.
Marriage changes passion . . . suddenly you're in bed with a relative.
Why is it that most nudists are people you don't want to see naked?
Snowmen fall from Heaven unassembled.
Now that food has replaced sex in my life, I can't even get into my own pants.
I signed up for an exercise class and was told to wear loose fitting clothing. If I HAD any loose fitting clothing, I wouldn't need the freakin' class!
Don't argue with an idiot; people watching may not be able to tell the difference.
Wouldn't you know it! Brain cells come and brain cells go, but FAT cells live forever.
Why is it that our children can't read a Bible in school, but they can in prison.
There are two sides to every divorce: Yours and dipsticks
The closest I ever got to a 4.0 in college was my blood alcohol content.
I live in my own little world, but it's OK. Everyone knows me here.
I saw a very large woman wearing a sweatshirt with "Guess" on it. I said, "Left Tackle?”
I don't do drugs. I find I get the same effect just by standing up really fast.
I don't like political jokes. I've seen too many get elected.
The most precious thing we have is life, yet it has absolutely no trade-in value.
If life deals you lemons, make lemonade. If life deals you tomatoes, make Bloody Mary’s.
Shopping tip: You can get shoes for a buck at bowling alleys.
Every day I beat my previous record of consecutive days I've stayed alive.
No one ever says, "It's only a game!" when their team's winning.
Marriage changes passion . . . suddenly you're in bed with a relative.
Why is it that most nudists are people you don't want to see naked?
Snowmen fall from Heaven unassembled.
Now that food has replaced sex in my life, I can't even get into my own pants.
I signed up for an exercise class and was told to wear loose fitting clothing. If I HAD any loose fitting clothing, I wouldn't need the freakin' class!
Don't argue with an idiot; people watching may not be able to tell the difference.
Wouldn't you know it! Brain cells come and brain cells go, but FAT cells live forever.
Why is it that our children can't read a Bible in school, but they can in prison.
j.w
I Love my Goldies
- Joined
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- Arlington, Washington
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koiguy1969
GIGGETY-GIGGETY!!
HARO
Pondcrastinator
- Joined
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- Ontario, Canada
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- 5b
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John
HARO
Pondcrastinator
- Joined
- Jun 30, 2011
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- Ontario, Canada
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- 5b
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John
HARO
Pondcrastinator
- Joined
- Jun 30, 2011
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- Ontario, Canada
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A curious fellow died one day and found himself waiting in the long line of judgement.
As he stood there, he noticed that some souls were allowed to march right through the pearly gates into Heaven.
Others though, were led over to Satan who threw them into the burning pit.
But every so often, instead of hurling a poor soul into the fire, Satan would toss a soul off to one side into a small pile.
Watching Satan do this several times, the fellow’s curiosity got the best of him.
So he strolled over and asked Satan what he was doing. “Excuse me, Mr. Prince of Darkness,” he said.
“I’m waiting in line for judgment, but I couldn’t help wondering why you are tossing those people aside instead
of flinging them into the Fires of Hell with the others?”
“Ah, those,” Satan said with a groan.
“They’re all from Vancouver Island. They’re still too wet to burn.
As he stood there, he noticed that some souls were allowed to march right through the pearly gates into Heaven.
Others though, were led over to Satan who threw them into the burning pit.
But every so often, instead of hurling a poor soul into the fire, Satan would toss a soul off to one side into a small pile.
Watching Satan do this several times, the fellow’s curiosity got the best of him.
So he strolled over and asked Satan what he was doing. “Excuse me, Mr. Prince of Darkness,” he said.
“I’m waiting in line for judgment, but I couldn’t help wondering why you are tossing those people aside instead
of flinging them into the Fires of Hell with the others?”
“Ah, those,” Satan said with a groan.
“They’re all from Vancouver Island. They’re still too wet to burn.
HARO
Pondcrastinator
- Joined
- Jun 30, 2011
- Messages
- 5,439
- Reaction score
- 6,233
- Location
- Ontario, Canada
- Hardiness Zone
- 5b
- Country
A Priest was being honored at his retirement dinner after 25 years in the parish. A leading local figure and member of the congregation was chosen to make the presentation and to give a little speech at the dinner. However, he was delayed, so the Priest decided to say his own few words while they waited:
“I got my first impression of the parish from the first confession I heard here. I thought I had been assigned to a terrible place. The very first person who entered my confessional told me he had stolen a television set and, when questioned by the police, was able to lie his way out of it. He had stolen money from his parents; embezzled from his employer; had an affair with his boss's wife; had sex with his boss's 17-year old daughter on numerous occasions; taken illegal drugs; had several homosexual affairs; was arrested several times for public nudity and gave a STD (sexual transmitted disease) to his sister-in-law. I was appalled that one person could do so many awful things. But as the days went on, I learned that my people were not all like that and I had, indeed, come to a fine parish full of good and loving people.”
Just as the Priest finished his talk, the politician arrived full of apologies at being late. He immediately began to make the presentation and gave his talk: "I'll never forget the first day our parish Priest arrived", said the politician. "In fact, I had the honor of being the first person to go to him for confession."
Moral: NEVER, Never, Never... Be Late!
“I got my first impression of the parish from the first confession I heard here. I thought I had been assigned to a terrible place. The very first person who entered my confessional told me he had stolen a television set and, when questioned by the police, was able to lie his way out of it. He had stolen money from his parents; embezzled from his employer; had an affair with his boss's wife; had sex with his boss's 17-year old daughter on numerous occasions; taken illegal drugs; had several homosexual affairs; was arrested several times for public nudity and gave a STD (sexual transmitted disease) to his sister-in-law. I was appalled that one person could do so many awful things. But as the days went on, I learned that my people were not all like that and I had, indeed, come to a fine parish full of good and loving people.”
Just as the Priest finished his talk, the politician arrived full of apologies at being late. He immediately began to make the presentation and gave his talk: "I'll never forget the first day our parish Priest arrived", said the politician. "In fact, I had the honor of being the first person to go to him for confession."
Moral: NEVER, Never, Never... Be Late!