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From addy’s post, I started thinking about all the poor southern ponders that might be experiencing (gasp!) the ‘white stuff’ and a site I found listed how to survive a Northern winter. I thought the list was far too naive and decided to flesh it out a bit. A Northerner will nod wisely and set their lips while all you southern people should take note and get that silly grin off your face!
A Southerner’s guide to surviving a REAL winter;
Invest in a snow blower; it’s sort of like a lawnmower, but the blades are opposite. And you don’t sharpen them, either. Get the self-propelled type as if you don’t, it won’t throw the snow by itself and with that mint julep in your hand, you can’t operate the snow thrower with the other. Not to mention, hard to drink and drive in this case, especially if you’re trying to see through your snow goggles and breathe through your scarf at the same time.
Oh, yeah; scarves are for warmth in the north, not just as accessories to your ensemble.
Don’t buy cheap snow shovels; wait, what’s a snow shovel you say? Okay, sort of like one you’d use in the garden but flatter, wider, and infinitely heavier the first time you try and lift a scoop of snow to throw/push. Trust me, you’ll be earning that julep if you actually ever shovel yourself out of your driveway even one time.
Don’t leave the house. Which would negate the first two guides above but is still prudent advice. Have the juleps stockpiled and learn to wave with one hand at your neighbors’s as they realize they weren’t prepared while lifting your drink up in sympathy with the other. Not too high as if they recognize what you have, there might be a run on the castle. Think of this time as what we in the North affectionately call ‘a snow day’. Sort of like a vacation. You know, an additional Mardi Gras just for you!
Stock up on essentials; already covered having enough liquids, but you’re gonna get hungry just watching your neighbors getting stuck at the bottom of the driveway or bumping up against your mailbox on YOUR side of the road. And there’ll be numerous moments of entertainment if anyone actually tries to move the white stuff or has an idea maybe they’ll drive their car anywhere. God forbid they think of walking—you probably will have to file a missing persons report if they do.
Hungry work, this spectating!
Check your flashlights and charge your electronics; sound advice, especially if the power goes out because all that snow and ice brought the electric system to its knees. Then again, with the battery power in the current iPhones, you’ll be okay for a while though sooner or later, you’ll have to look up and see if the snow is still there. Use the electronic storage devices to capture those special moments when your neighbors are actually trying to start their gas powered snow blowers, and upload to FB for further analysis of/by your friends. This all by itself should keep you occupied enough so you don’t notice the snow isn’t going away like a bad dream.
Be careful; the best advice there is. There will be limited response (and when it does come, it’ll be horribly late due to road conditions and southern incredulity) to any accident you have, be it from running out of juleps to realizing your phone IS running low and you forgot to charge the banks while the smoke alarm beeps intermittently, reminding you the electricity is out! Or, you might pull a hammy trying to start or move the non-self propelled snow thrower you mistakenly bought! An accident might occur if you start watching your neighbors and the laughter gets out of hand so much that you don’t watch where you’re going and trip over the dog.
Okay, if you’re aware enough that snow means more than just ‘that pretty white stuff’, it means you’ve set your first steps on the road to realizing what a true winter means, a Northern winter!
Btw, can you pass me another julep? Mine’s about gone….
Michael
